I have a new life goal: to make the kind of money and lead the kind of life that means I can stay at this hotel.
The Witchery, Edinburgh. Every single suite looks like it's been built for a Hammer Horror reboot. I can't decide between "The Old Rectory," where I think they include a free Christopher Lee on your pillow every evening, and "The Heriot," where you have a bath in a clawfoot tub in the middle of Hrothgar's hall. There's more red velvet than ten brothels could use in a lifetime, but all the dark oak and pointy arches keep the mood sinister.
You go to this place, you wear one of Morticia Addams's most drapey outfits and dark red lipstick that matches your nails, or you wear a white nightie over nudity, or a loose shirt tucked into tight trousers. Those are the only three options; there are no others. I was once in Edinburgh (2004, aka "the last time I was over"), but I don't think this existed at the time or I would have heard the organ music rumbling across the housetops.
Oh shiiiiit. It's The Witchery by the Castle. That is the full name. And they also have a restaurant.
In five years, I shall be forty. That gives me just enough time to launch a new career as a highly-paid [insert position when I think of something good], make a lot of money, stick some of it in savings and use the rest to convey myself and a select group of friends and significant others to Edinburgh. There we'll have a massive birthday dinner with me at the head of the table in this dress [it's Morticia's dress for fancy occasions with long sleeves ending in points over the hands; it has both black sequins and black spiderwebs], smiling enigmatically, and afterwards we will take up the entire building for singing and jamming around the pipe organ, set dancing, tango and waltz, games of Sardines, Hide and Go Seek, and Mafia, board gaming and crafts table, and optional orgy in the Tower suite.
Please comment here if you wish to be included in the party and whether you'll order the vegetarian option or have other dietary restrictions.